When pregnant with their second child, most moms worry they won’t love this new baby as much as they love the one in front of them. Not me. Josiah has taught me that I will definitely love this baby too.
When I was pregnant with Josiah, I downloaded this app to tell me what fruit size he was. It also would say things like, “Your precious grape has a heartbeat and is growing hair all over his body.” And I literally was so grossed out that I had to delete the app. When my doctor told me I would start to feel little “flutters” soon, I got nauseous. Mind you, I had really bad “morning” sickness for 20 weeks and I’m sure that played into my general queeziness surrounding the life I was growing. So needless to say, I was not super lovey-dovey feeling towards Josiah in my womb. I was committed to making my womb a safe place for him and I looked forward to seeing him face to face so that I would have that fall-in-love moment that moms all talk about. You know, that moment when you see your baby and you experience this supernatural love that you didn’t know existed? Yeah well, I didn’t have that either.
They placed this tiny screaming human on my chest and I whispered, “Hi baby.” Because I didn’t know what to say and then I started crying because they were sewing me up. I asked why he was black, genuinely wondering if I had some African in my ancestry that I didn’t yet know about, and they told me the room was dark and he would lighten up as he got more oxygen. That was my moment of holding my baby for the first time.
He screamed for months. We had serious nursing issues and the baby did NOT sleep. And by God’s grace, I never experienced postpartum depression but I also didn’t have this insane feeling of love I had heard so much about. I just loved him. I nurtured him, I cared for him, I stayed up with him, and I grew to love him more and more. My commitment was unwavering but the feelings of love came surely and steadily.
Now I fall asleep smiling as I play back the adorable things he said and did throughout the day. I can’t stop talking about him and he is the little light of my life.
He’s why I already love his brother.
He’s why I treasure every part of this pregnancy more.
He brought to life the fact that even “fluttering” in my womb, even screaming in his freaking dock-a-tot, he has always been Josiah--his DNA has been Josiah since the moment of conception: The little boy who says, “I love you!” to the painter who left our house yesterday. The little bear who growls when he’s frustrated and makes triple chins when he laughs and insists I sit in the beanbag with him every hour of the day, who can’t get his colors right for the life of him but can tell you all my friend’s cars. The animal lover who calls all “common” birds “ducks” and all exotic birds, “peacocks.” The baby I pray for so fervently that it sometimes breaks my heart...because I love him so much.
Now he is the little boy who showed me how to love the baby in my womb.
There’s nothing wrong with my story. Nothing bad about the fact that I wasn’t immediately infatuated with Josiah. I always valued and nurtured him, and that’s love too. And there’s nothing wrong with already loving baby Graham. It doesn’t make him more special to me than Josiah was. It just makes me more experienced this time around.
Love really can come softly.